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chapter one

knowing men's Passages

figuring out men'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the new MAP OF guys'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM house, INC.

it's a man thing

    It has traditionally been assumed that age is kinder to men than to women. My research during the last eight years has printed a impressive reversal: many men forty and over are having a more durable time today making a satisfying passage into the 2d half of their lives than are most women. Why?

    girls believe pangs over losing their adolescence.

    guys think dread.

    "or not it's the dread of losing efficiency!" says my buddy Fitzgerald. "or not it's imagining yourself as an actor onstage who has misplaced his voice."

    There are some inevitable adjustments as they tramp the adventure of life. guys constantly hit them as they would a brick wall--and then may also fall aside. if they knew what to are expecting in increase, it might help them to master these changes and profit from them.

    The point of this ebook is to help guys and their companions to outwit the inevitable alterations forward. these days, specially for men below 50, the timing of marker hobbies--completing school, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has grew to become out to be unpredictable. What a person is supposed to do, and when, isn't clear. it's each interesting and disorienting, like sailing for a brand new world but questioning if you will drop off the fringe of the historical one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a little lost is hardly ever alone.

    the 1st step is to consider the passages that men go through after age 40, after which to discover, in the new map of men's lives, how to go back and forth these new passages for yourself with enhanced attention and a passport to renewal. Even on a field as threatening as "male menopause," the news is good and getting more suitable. it's gradually becoming identified as a mindbody syndrome it really is perfectly normal, widespread, treatable, and often reversible. Pharmaceutical groups are racing to offer men perpetual virility--by using popping a pill. As instant and compelling as is the concern most guys have with how their sexual performance may be suffering from getting older, there is a whole lot greater concerned in restoring vitality and virility than putting greater lead returned in the pencil. mind-set concerns at least as an awful lot as bodily adjustments. The entire gamut of motives and the awesome armamentarium for combating male menopause are spelled out later in the booklet.

    Why single out men? it's not as radical a departure as it may look; I have been writing concerning the predictable and unpredictable adjustments of adult lifestyles for each sexes seeing that the ebook of Passages in 1976. but after twenty years of probing the psyche and decoding the have an effect on of cultural shifts on both sexes, I faced a humbling admission:

    guys do not be mindful women, however at the least they comprehend it. women don't take into account guys, however they don't realize it. Does the following communicate sound at all prevalent?

    "what is wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why might not you confer with me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you look so down."

    "i'm simply drained."

    "but you simply sit down round looking at tv. once in a while, you could get the most tired from doing nothing."

    "i'm no longer doing nothing! There are issues I need to consider about."

    "It appears such as you've come to a degree for your existence where issues are changing for you. How does that make you feel?"

    "it's just anything you ought to move through."

    "i would like to help. might not you consult with me about it?"

    "what's there to say?"

    "what's it you want out of existence? simply make up your mind and be straight with me."

    "I have no idea what I need."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i know I even have survived a couple of of these attempting-to-aid-but-only-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption among women is that they understand what is wrong with their guys, and that they could repair it if simplest men would listen. but do many ladies definitely comprehend what it be like for a man these days?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary photograph artist and a wise and cherished pal, made this statement of the cultural lag between the genders: "women are setting up a brand new belief system; a brand new way of viewing life is coalescing. Most men do not know what's going on to them. They won't have any concept what to agree with in. For a lot of us, the values they grew up with have been subverted and changed. guys are astonished at this trade; they haven't formulated a response to it. it's a time when guys are very, very unclear."

    men may additionally no longer equate alternate with growth. often speakme, they associate alternate with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It isn't viewed as a good part of internal growth and the highway to a new kind of power. in particular in the first half of their lives, guys are rewarded for placing blinders on and pursuing their slender profession direction: life looks easy.

    "In my corporate life, i'm at all times telling business leaders how crucial it's to step returned, look at trends, see what the future could convey, and plan ahead for it," says a new York public members of the family man, "but in my own and career life, neglect it." He expresses a male view as old as time: "I simply maintain moving forward in a sort of dumb-beast means, seeing the subsequent chance and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping every little thing will work out for me. even if as guys they are hardwired to consider that method or it's the consistent method of socialization, they simply don't love to change."

    You may also were rushing alongside the route you set on your twenties when, , the street turns bumpy. or you hit a washed-out patch and can't movement ahead. Or the juice without problems drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge your self? trade gears? Who do you flip to for assist?

    It has develop into a cliche to claim that guys don't love to ask questions. undoubtedly, here's no longer at all times authentic. (My husband has stopped at the nearest gas station to ask for instructions at least as soon as.) but guys haven't been taught to ask questions about their sexual life cycle or their fitness or psychological smartly-being. They do not suppose they have the time or want for such consultations--until disaster strikes. experiences show that guys make some distance fewer visits to docs than girls, and when they do go, they generally don't ask any questions. beneath the silence and stoicism, although, most men over forty experience that the enjoying box of life is radically diverse from the world of their fathers.

    An financial revolution reminiscent of the economic Revolution is pitting mature guys towards younger, computing device-savvy digerati. event may additionally not count for as plenty in marketplaces concentrated on the now. not best are new expertise demanded, for which several generations--older baby boomers, the "Silent era," the world struggle II technology--aren't prepared, but a distinct perspective is required. The guidelines of the online game between organisation and worker have modified. You used to be in a position to count number on the corporate father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the agency is a virtual father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you'll certainly not be clear the place you stand.

    The ground of relations between guys and women has also undergone an earthquake of alternate. men of the baby-growth and past generations had been socialized, as boys, to expect a clearly prescribed role in the benign patriarchy portrayed in regularly occurring way of life by indicates corresponding to Ozzie & Harriet and depart It to Beaver. As young adults they have been thrown off steadiness, ridiculed with the aid of the ladies's flow, and later dismissed by using some tutorial activists as belonging to a continuum of "dead white men." In core existence they discover themselves competing with a newly assured species of more youthful professional girls. Add the power to remain youthful and exhibit perpetual virility, and many of ultra-modern guys over 40 are in difficulty. If a person maintains playing by the ancient scoreboard and the historical timetable, he's more likely to strike out.

    during this local weather of uncertainty, a whole bunch of men have talked to me candidly about all kinds of forbidden subjects: their considerations about growing old, the ebbing of real energy and athletic prowess, their fears of dropping their jobs and their fathers, the that means disaster they face on the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working wives, their wish to be closer to their children before they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the complete query of potency in all areas of their lives.

    in all probability you never concept these questions would challenge you. you have certainly not idea about now not being young. a familiar entertainer became stunned the first time lie went during the supermarket line and he checkout girl looked right through him. nonetheless handsome, although his jawline is now somewhat softened, he's less cocky and fewer confrontational; he looks to have calmed down and warmed up--features that might possibly enhance his powers of enchantment. Yet when they talked, he might focal point only on the poor aspects of those adjustments: "You suppose separated from adolescence at the same time you're feeling diminished in physical energy and stamina; you start being omitted via more youthful guys; the intercourse is never as exquisite as it became; an amazing need to be young again comes over you."

    after I ask men if they ever speak over these questions with their male chums, they nearly always shake their heads: "No."

    Why no longer?

    "or not it's a man issue."

    lots of the time they do not even talk about these concerns with their better halves, who are often preoccupied with their personal midlife alterations. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i was stopped by way of an energetic-searching girl with a e-book bag slung over her shoulder. I all started lower back to college in my late thirties," she stated. "i'll celebrate my forty-second birthday by way of getting my diploma as a medical social worker. My husband saved complaining, 'you might be altering. Why? i'm the identical man you married twenty years in the past.' Bingo! that's the cause we're getting divorced."

    The husband likely thinks that closing the same, and hiding his emotions and frustration, is being manly. He might also believe stuck, even trapped, by his monetary tasks. He expects himself to be the same company, the same aggressive competitor he all the time turned into, expecting his body to take punishment and burn fat and appeal to girls the style it at all times did. but underneath the bravado he probably doesn't feel the same thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His complete identity is tied up with the repute he has executed so far. If he lets go even a bit, what else is there?

    He can't imagine how to change. Why should still he?

    When ladies in midlife go back to faculty, beginning new careers, or leave stifling marriages, for essentially the most half they are exhilarated. despite the fact that their revenue and status isn't as awesome as a man's, they derive improved delight--because they began with so tons much less. The guys they depart in the back of are sometimes resentful, even jealous, having possible helped to finance a former spouse's emergence into the fame of "being my very own person" at the rate of their personal revamping.

    Linear reasoning is likely to steer a man to feel, "once I achieve definite things, then i may be chuffed." but it isn't only titles and fabric accomplishments that remember. And when those exterior achievements fall to provide which means and joyfulness on time table, men become annoyed. perplexed. indignant. And ashamed to admit it.

    This male malaise has no name. it is a depressing continent. Most men don't respect--or refuse to settle for--that they proceed to go through diverse stages all the way through their grownup lives. And few men I even have studied are even conscious that vital new passages still lie ahead--after 40. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to seem to be inward. They latest a man with an opportunity to stretch and growth, or to lock in and regress. it is vital to let go of a bit control all the way through these times of passage in order that an historical shell can also be sloughed off and house made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to grow.

    Transitional periods are at all times unsettling, for anyone. however a scarcity of cognizance makes it greater probably that a man may additionally slide into melancholy and do all forms of self-harmful issues. extra often than now not, men aren't even conscious of being depressed. They begin slipping down the cliff, inch by means of inch, whereas clutching frantically for the rest to dangle on to or without difficulty numbing themselves to what appears like an inevitable descent down the lower back facet of existence.

    This e-book gifts a brighter outlook, in line with research with ultra-modern new men. it is guys in center existence who've the most excellent opportunity to turn into masters of their fate--greater enthusiasts, stronger fathers, more true to themselves and their personal values, freer to categorical their feelings and pastime their creativity, extra influential, extra collaborative, extra spiritual. They want simplest advantage and a intellect open adequate to acquire it.

    however time is running out! not nearly as quick as you consider. truly, the core years are the stage of potential optimum neatly-being in the lives of match expert individuals nowadays. You do not trust it? agree with some statistics:

ARE YOU prepared FOR an extra life?

We reside through the most appropriate miracle 'in the background of their species--the doubling of existence expectancy seeing that the economic Revolution. back when the U.S. turned into headquartered, existence expectancy at start stood at most effective about 35 years. with the aid of 1900, it reached forty seven years. probably the most dazzling trends of the 20th century has been to stretch the lifestyles cycle with the aid of an average of thirty years--more than the overall won over 5 thousand years going lower back to the Bronze Age! a further shock of decent news on life expectancy regarded 'in September 1997 'in the new york times:

In 1996 on my own, American guys brought six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a new high.

    That was in line with an evaluation of U.S. a must have data by means of the facilities for disorder manage. The normal male life span is now seventy three years. it's also catching up with the feminine lifestyles span (now an ordinary of 79), because the number of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of heart disorder and melanoma decline. Between now and the yr 2030, the proportion of americans over age 65 will well-nigh double. And this may be authentic, even sooner, all over the place Europe.

    pleasant, you might also say, but when a long existence span capacity spending years with my bulb dimming and my physique falling apart, forget it. they all seem to be to their fathers and mothers as mirrors of their personal growing old. those are miscues in lots of methods. When their parents turned 50, they notion they have been historic. They idea they had been historical. on the grounds that 1950, unimagined advances had been made in medication; and, extra pertinent, public fitness schooling during the mass media has brought about profound changes in personal habits. individuals in center existence these days have a very different life profile from that of their fogeys, who have been expected to show off their intellectual engines in their fifties. They failed to dream of operating marathons or gulping down hormones to hold them randy except their eighties.

    people are maturing past, bodily, but taking longer to develop up emotionally, and tons, lots longer to grow historic. For the middle courses, adolescence is now extended until the conclusion of the twenties. Their First adulthood most effective starts off at about age 30. someplace around the midforties they enter a huge passage into what was once a somewhat staid, if not stagnant, middle age.

    Yet they appear to be more reluctant to grow up than ever before. Of the tons of of guys over 40 whom I actually have interviewed, most trust they are five to ten years more youthful than that imposter whose image by some means slipped internal their passports. nowadays the midpoint of maturity is no longer necessarily 40--or not it's greater like 50.

Fifty is what forty was.

    if you're a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, that you can alter your lens on growing old. Beneficiaries of the increase in men's health, biotechnology, and brain research, you belong to a species exceptional on the earth, a species whose lifestyles span will automatically lengthen into your eighties and nineties. This capability you must put together for the chance of an extra lifestyles--beyond the average roles and tasks--since the years from 40 to eighty or 90 offer you a whole new enjoying box: what I name your "2nd adulthood."

    In 2d maturity you begin to learn that fulfillment In existence is not in as a result of the simply racking up aspects on a single scoreboard. reasonably, there are a few distinctive scoreboards--as son, mate, father, friend, colleague, mentor, community shrewd man, benefactor. The vital innings of 2d adulthood are neither performed with the aid of the same rules nor scored in the equal method as a young man's video game. but most men are so focused on profitable within the first half, they usually leave out the indicators that can prepare them with a winning method for core and later existence.

    Gary Markovitz, for example, turned into an outstanding soldier. Having served in Vietnam and returned to faculty to educate as a technocrat, he had described himself for seventeen years totally within the context of his enterprise. "When americans asked me what i am, i used to be an IBMer," he admits. "not Gary who worked at IBM, but an IBMer."

    through his midforties he started to wonder if his batteries had been wearing down, but it surely didn't occur to him to ask yourself what else he might have fun with doing. He heard about his business's buyout present while on a enterprise shuttle to San Francisco. initially he had no interest in it. but on the plane experience home he found himself considering a friend's latest funeral. the man had come up throughout the ranks at IBM with Gary and had unexpectedly passed far from cancer.

    Gary found himself ticking off, finger with the aid of finger, simply what number of americans may well be counted on to display up for his own funeral. He did not get very a ways. What cost did he have outdoor IBM? He idea about his oldest son, who was already 25. before long, there can be a grandson sitting on his knee. innocent and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you try this supposed anything?"

    I made funds.

    "It didn't flow the grandfather verify," Gary decided. "I can be doing superior issues."

however i am now not competent!

a man in his late forties in a Minneapolis viewers expressed a typical problem of guys: "supply it to me straight. Do I must lose vigour as I grow older?"

    On the contrary. The vigor of mind, rooted in adventure, simplest increases as they meet the predictable crises and accidents of life and discover their resilience. an entire new stage has opened up within the middle of life: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from ages 45 to 65. The passage from First to 2nd adulthood and into the Age of Mastery definitely transforms the idea of vigour.

    child boomers need a book to their core existence. Theirs might be a manufacturer-new experience, filled with surprises. 4 out of every ten American adults belong to the baby-growth generation, which, in keeping with my research with the USA. Census Bureau, ought to be divided into two subgenerations. The innovative can also be called the "Vietnam era" (born 1946-1955). here's President Bin Clinton and British top Minister Tony Blair's technology, which they describe as being effective in beliefs but indifferent to the historic ideologies. Boomers now of their early forties to early fifties got here of age expecting that everything would all the time get improved, and for most of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties shaped their utopian focus, and vestiges of that spirit are nevertheless with them, tempered with the aid of the cynicism of the times.

    The more youthful half of the boomers--the "Me generation"--came of age in the Seventies (born 1956-1965) and neglected a good deal of the idealism of the Vietnam generation, however concentrated greater on own construction. They dreamed of reaching the completely balanced existence and as a result continue to put off taking up lots of the tasks of full adulthood. however they're way more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, gay partnerships, single parenthood, and different social experiments. each halves of this dominant era have always been highly individualistic and for that reason irreconcilably divided. but on one challenge they seem to be in complete settlement:

Boomers do not accept core age.

    Boomer guys do not see themselves as growing older. and they definitely do not assume any changes in their height sexual efficiency--it might turn up to other guys, but not to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can elevate the question: is that this the starting of the dreaded falling off?

THE need to KNOWAND THE worry OF figuring out

In lectures according to my ultimate book, New Passages, one question is at all times sure to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there is a need to grasp and an equally weighty fear of figuring out. once I first became aware about the phenomenon, the facts from guys became particularly anecdotal. Six guys sitting around a midtown new york bar after work--virile earnings managers and a hit sellers--all of whom seem like backing up the hill from their midforties towards the high-quality divide at 50. they have a couple of drinks, and, within my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the relaxation: "tell the fact. How repeatedly have you faked being asleep when your spouse gets into bed with a glow in her eyes)"

    each man laughs. Then a crevice falls open in the dialog. the man in the vigor tie who posed the question reaches out for a lifeline: "I mean, would not that ensue to you guys?"

    sure, Mr. Winkle doesn't want to drink," one more man says, chuckling. The rest chime in, placing off the issue on overwork, stress, having just a few too many.

    however these occasional components do not do a good deal to light up the secret of why so many men in core lifestyles progressively lose their vitality and virility. They see a bit of older friends trade from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They ask yourself: Will it ensue to me? Of direction, being men, they refuse to talk about it. At most, the discipline is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is jogging down the street when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "in case you select me up and kiss me, i may turninto a beautiful woman."

the man picks up the frog and places It Into his pocket.

"are not you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i'll become a fantastic woman and you can have me all you want."

"i might somewhat have a speaking frog in my pocket."

what's going on? Are they speaking effectively about growing old? sure, but also about a bigger problem to a man's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with physical, hormonal, psychological, and sociological add-ons--it is now trendily called "male menopause." "We don't yet have a time period for this five- to twelve-12 months period of midlife in guys, but they understand it is shared by way of each genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the area association for Social Psychiatry and medical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington university school of medicine.

    It quickly became apparent to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is only as fundamental because the ending of the fertile period of a woman's existence, since it strikes at the core of what it's to be a man--the factor a man has always counted on to deliver him pleasure, the factor that has worked for him hundreds of instances, mindlessly, like a laptop, by way of himself or with any number of partners, the supply of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual pressure and performance.

    within the April 1993 concern of conceitedness reasonable, with Sharon Stone on the cover stripped to the waist and cupping her naked breasts, my male editors allowed me to post probably the most first full discussions of the area: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever for the reason that, men and girls had been talking privately to me about this difficulty devoid of a proper name. Interviews with more than 100 guys between the ages of forty and 70 about this subject printed that the majority have been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up totally perplexed. I even have also observed the work of some two dozen scientific certified during this slender field who look at and deal with guys over forty littered with some degree of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later lifestyles. whereas the broader clinical establishment nevertheless by way of and massive geese the area, the mass media also continue to be wary of touching the discipline, and i found out why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

someday within the fall of 1996 I bought a name from a dynamic young producer on the critical CBS journal exhibit 48 Hours. Chuck Stevenson had examine my work on male menopause and interviewed some medical consultants, and he wanted to put together a chunk about men in middle lifestyles in sexual crisis. Chuck was most effective forty one. a little young to be brooding about male menopause?

    "really, i'm discovering the discipline fascinating," he stated. As he saw it, "The precursor to men's midlife disaster is decreased sexual capability, which then triggers all these quite a lot of psychological emotions."

    i was delighted with Chuck's enlightened approach. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty came out to do the interview in the garden of my home in Berkeley, together with a 3-man creation crew.

    For the interview, Chuck desired to touch on "technical menopause--that small percent of guys who truly don't have the testosterone."

    What I in fact desired to discuss was no longer the small percent of men who are already so incapacitated they may are seeking for surgical aid My problem is the whole core latitude of men who do not know what's standard and who, when their sexual habits or efficiency adjustments, become so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull away from any intimacy. On digital camera, I described essentially the most average scenario:

The longer this problem remains unspoken between a pair,the extra giant it grows, until there's an eight-hundred-poundgorilla within the bed room. no person mentions it for sixmonths, two years, five years; meanwhile, the pair stopshugging, stops conserving fingers, stops touching altogether,moves to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They develop into estranged in all styles of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot turned into over, I asked the producer how the piece can be titled and promoted. "it is going to be the toughest element for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How do they make this phase circulation without scaring off guys? They cannot say 'midlife crisis' or 'alternate of existence.'" eventually, the segment turned into titled "Undercover," which turned into inoffensive but meaningless. Nothing was left in about the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck acknowledged that the piece didn't work. The intent, he instructed me with remorseful about, turned into the big sensitivity of senior network executives to letting us talk about impotence.

    however become the response of the television creation crew that proved probably the most interesting. in general, a digicam crew tunes out whereas filming and simply specializes in doing its job. whereas they discussed the male menopause, these three guys blanched and reddened, however they held on to each observe. After the taking pictures they stuck round to talk.

    i wished to hear about it," some of the cameramen mentioned candidly, "but I don't want to talk about it."

    "It changed into hitting too close to home for me," admitted yet another crew member. He was in his forties and residing via divorce hell. She became the one who left. "What in reality must be spoke of is the proven fact that when a man has a midlife sexual crisis, people often say, 'or not it's all on your mind, snap out of it.'

    "but it surely's basically a part of the herbal path of activities," one of the most cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "it truly is appropriate," talked about his colleague. "i will see now the place you may get that rhinoceros to your bed room, or whatever you known as it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks might form."

    "That made sense to me, too," observed the cameraman, "as a result of when verbal exchange breaks down in a marriage, it's all long past." his colleague had an Aha! moment--a type of little epiphanies that unexpectedly throws a floodlight on what one's lifestyles is really about.

    "this is what came about in their marriage! nobody in reality talked concerning the gorilla. They simply grew more and more apart. I do not consider love it changed into my fault. i used to be doing my obligation, doing what i used to be imagined to do. i used to be just ready it out. She bought bored with waiting, and it took place all of a sudden--the marriage fell aside."

    Doing one's responsibility and not speaking about the internal collapse of one's complete theory of oneself is an all-too-general "manly" stance at midlife. This publication is intended as a pleasant e book out of such dead ends. No man should still squander his valuable existence "simply ready it out." And as soon as he discovers the exciting new map of guys's lives, laid out right here in information as well as many residing examples, he should still be lured to discover new continents of creativeness and adventure not ever before dreamt of via past generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt business enterprise All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

writer'S word.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX part I: WHAT DO men want? Chapter One it be a guy issue....................................3 Are You organized for one other lifestyles?...........................eight but i am now not capable!..........................................eleven The should be aware of and the worry of understanding....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the new MAP OF adult existence..........................17 The spouse's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover life?.....................22 part II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I nonetheless believe LIKE a kid?..................27 The vanity disaster...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the daddy-Son Midlife power combat.......................36 in the event you Comin' domestic, Son?..................................37 The dead Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................forty one Chapter 4 MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................45 Yuppie playing seize-up.....................................forty six Banker "Excessed" at home...................................forty seven the only real Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................forty seven The Idealist's Angst........................................forty seven a hard Time to Be a man in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................52 Are You What You Smoke?.....................................fifty three "The huge unimaginable"........................................55 The Reluctant Father........................................58 First Fatality Jitters......................................60 relocating Up the Mortality Markers.............................63 Honor among guys.............................................64 Manly sports: greater than just a online game.........................sixty six current Manhood models......................................69 Chapter 5 MARRIED AND MORTAL................................seventy eight The Aha! moment.............................................78 The coronary heart of the count.....................................eighty one The Stonewaller's defense...................................eighty five The difficulty with other halves......................................88 part III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR 2nd maturity...................95 The Samson advanced..........................................ninety seven Mature Masculinity.........................................100 Former pro soccer megastar...................................102 Geezer in Graduate college..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 beyond vigour...............................................108 Barry Diller's seek Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of influence............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR life earlier than THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The dark night of Joe O'Dell...............................122 harmful Defenses.......................................125 The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they'll by no means fireplace Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of chance..................................133 Midlife money Realities....................................135 What could Spook John Wayne?...............................136 surrender "i'm the massive Shot".................................137 constructing a crew............................................139 Opening the spiritual Dimension............................141 locate Your ardour and Pursue It............................a hundred and forty four Chapter Eight LOVE AND war WITH wives, FATHERS, babies......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: comfort or disaster?.......................149 coaching the teach.........................................151 Withholding intercourse............................................155 The defense net wife........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................one hundred sixty brain-intercourse changes..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty heart................................................163 Mr. mom....................................................164 Father starvation..............................................166 Letting Go of a growing to be Son................................167 what number of guys chums are you able to count number?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You competent for Love within the Morning?...................................................172 part IV: WHO'S frightened of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter nine THE MALE SEXUAL life CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual lifestyles Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 men Behaving Intelligently.................................189 intellect over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets and techniques OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You somewhat Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon soccer Is enhanced Than intercourse..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a man's grasp Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial lady......................................209 Teaming up to find the right treatment.....................210 half V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets of neatly-being within the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement home...............219 do not Retire! Redirect!....................................220 searching in your Postcareer career.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve growth VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 don't back Up, severe Tire hurt!.........................231 help isn't challenging to Get....................................233 i'm not Having a coronary heart assault!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of fate................................239 part VI: WHAT keeps a person young? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL knowledge........................243 Do men have to Die sooner than girls?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 becoming and Regenerating brain.............................251 religious hunger...........................................253 Love in the Twilight of life...............................254 A Lusty wintry weather.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 coping with Job Loss.......................................259 ideas for Surviving Job Loss in center lifestyles...........260 supplies: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 materials: Couples therapy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 shopping for a doctor/Male fitness sanatorium...................264 elements: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual fitness issues..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples workout routines............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning indications of melancholy................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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